Mamma oooooo didn't mean to make you cry....

... if I am not back again in 3 months, carry on carry on.

So yes this classic queen song is stuck in my head. It has now been a week since mom went back home. I will be honest with you all that it has not been the easiest week. Let me say for the record I am so so so so so glad mom got to come, my only wish was that I was able to go home with her.

But "Not yet, not yet" I have had a whole lot of time to think this last week. I have talked to others who have been in my shoes, and have felt my pain of being away from family. They and my own thoughts have all agreed that it stinks. But that is why they call it a sacrifice.

Today I was writing a friend that I met while I have been here, and was telling her of my recent sad mood. I was explaining how even this week I have seen so many things that should ignite my passion, my want to be here but it still hasn't overcome. But then I went into detail about this one family that I met with last week:

Saturday right after I came home from dropping off my mom. I was sad, depressed, and cold. But I had to go to a small village we go to every Saturday, and do a kids club. We were told about this family that had almost nothing, basically just a thin roof over there head. So we decided to visit with them. It was the worst living conditions I have seen here. The house was falling apart completely and everything they owned was in the worst condition possible. I have an odd thing with my nose, comes from years of allergy problems so I don't smell a lot, but I could smell this home. We had other Albanians with us on the visit but they would not even come into the house. They just stood outside with there noses covered. Me and Elke (The pastor I work with) went in and sat on a old weathered mattress on the floor. Three generations of women are living in this house, both husbands of the grandma and mom went away for work but are both known for there drinking problems. So this is the nice way of saying they left in Albanian talk. The daughter is about 4, and she is the most beautiful child I have ever seen. Even with her hair pushed up on one side from not being washed in weeks, and her dress with many tares, her eyes still shine with beauty. She does not say a word though, and let me tell you I have tried. Anyways they have nothing. We brought them some new clothes, which they excepted but they were honest in telling us what they really needed was food. To me that truly says you truly have nothing. When you are not asking for clothes or toys for your kids but just need the basic necessity to live.

After I wrote this, I realized that the passion is still there. Right now it is buried deep underneath 7 and a half months of built up frustration. But it is there.

I hope this does not depress you, or make you feel bad about missionaries out in the world. I never knew how hard of a struggle it is, what you really have to give up. To me I only thought about material things, and my favorite restaurants that I would be giving up. But like the classic saying goes "You don't know what you've got, till it's gone". This is o so true. Family and friends, you are severely missed.

But, yes another but. I don't want to miss these next three months. I don't know God's plan for my life. I don't know if I will ever be here again. But I do know this will be the last three months I will be here exactly like I am today. I don't want to look back on this time and only remember moping around. I want to remember that I did the thing God has asked of me. I lived for him and helped others.

So if you think about it pray that I forget about going home, and remember why I am here. Even if you are a family member of mine and you selfishly want me home right now. What I need from you now is a prayer for passion.

I love you all so much, and thank you for being there for me. I can not tell you how much that means to know you are cheering me on back at home. Maybe if you stop I can focus on here more. :) ha ha, I am just joking, please don't. Ha ha.

And mom thank you so much for coming all the way here. You took time off of work, spent way to much money on a ticket and tons of food and gifts for me when you came. You had to travel here and back alone, and then go straight back into normal life. You are the best mom ever! I could not do this at all without you. Thanks mom, I love you so much!!!!

So I am going to leave you all with this song. It is a song I have on repeat right now and helps me remember why I am here. Have a grand weekend!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d61LamkXfwk&feature=related