Now that I have seen

This week deep inside my head I have been in a constant battle of love and hate. I have been digesting my time here. Have I loved it fully or could I not get over the hard parts? All I can fathom to say is there was miraculous moments and horribly hard situations. So much of my heart will always stay with the kids at the kindergarten, and the teen girls who became my best friends. But is that enough for me to say I have a passion for this land? A passion for all the people? A passion to leave my lovely life again and live here longer?

Right now I can not answer that question. Honestly if I have any inkling to the future I don't see that happening. But after talking to some amazing Nazarene missionaries my thoughts have been re- open. Not necessarily to coming back to Albania, but once again living in a foreign land.

Pretty much all summer long I had decided that doing volunteer missions again all by myself was not a good idea. My head was filled with thousands of situations where I dropped the ball this past year or just didn't do things to the best of my ability. Through my eyes all I saw was a terrible missionary that had just wasted peoples lives. Sorry sometimes I am really hard on myself.

But during one of the night services at camp the speaker told us that we don't decided what happens in our life. We give God our lives and that is it. I felt like such a hypocrite to be telling kids these things that whole week at camp and here I was trying to tell God "No" once again.

It is such a weird place to be in for me. For a whole year before I left for Albania all I thought about was my passion to serve, and help wherever he needed me. Then I go and feel I haven't helped like I should have. So now what do I do.

All I know is I have given my heart to him, once again, and if he has me come back here I will or wherever it is I will go. This time I pray where ever I go, I do everything in my power to live and serve him. Nothing half way,

Everything for him.

Comments

renee said…
We are always harder on ourself than God or others are. We as humans can be tried, Scared, lonely and feelings of inability. But, Our God can use us and all of our human traits. I saw you in action and I saw the difference you made in the Adults, kids and young teens lives. Not to metion my life. The speaker was right you gave God your life and now he is using you to make a impresstion on the people you haved touched everyday. Even the fergone drivers were touched by God by your presence. I'm not sure where God is leading you next but I know you will say Yes, when he lets you know. Just rest knowing he has a need for you in TX. He will let you know when your ready where you are to go next. Just like you said you will do everything in your power to Live and Serve him. Powerful words for all of us who want the same thing in your life and in their on life. Love, Mom
September 6, 2009 at 2:52 PM
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