The Faded Barrette

Today as I sat down at my desk, I noticed something beside my notebook. It was one of my barrettes from when I was a little girl. I looked at the barrette a little closer, it was once a pink barrette in the shape of a bow, but now the pink has started to fade into a yellowish orange. It reminds me of when I was young and I would look at some of my mom’s things. Like looking through her faded scrapbook, seeing pictures that the edges had started to turn another color, and even seeing her wedding dress change from the beautiful white color I had seen in pictures. I didn’t think of my mom as old but I realized then things don’t last forever and with time things change.

Seeing my own things starting to fade, makes me realize I am getting older. I am not saying I am ancient, but I am no longer the young girl I was. Time has passed. Things have changed and I am no longer playing with dolls and clipping my hair back with bow shaped barrettes. 

Those many years ago I would dream about what I wanted my life to be like. I never had big ambitions. As a young girl I simply wanted to be married and have kids. As I got a little older I realized I wanted to go to college, then right after get married and have exactly three kids. Then when I was in high school I started dreaming about going to college, becoming married to a pastor, having those three kids, and then becoming a missionary family. They were lovely, beautiful dreams and in my brain I knew that’s exactly what would happen.

Well two years into college I realized school was not for me. I stopped going to school and worked at a day care, then as a church secretary. By the time I would have graduated from college I was heading off to my first mission experience in Albania. I was so naive to the world and had no idea what to do, but  knew that’s where God wanted me to be. It was hard, but I am so thankful for the many things God taught me during that time. While I was there I remembered my dreams of years ago and realized they would not be coming true as I once had thought. So I started to dream up a new plan that by the time I was 25 I just knew  I would be married and would be back on track with my plan. 

After a year living in Albania I came home with a new outlook on the world, a stronger relationship with God, and a passion to help people like never before. A year later I was raising money for my next mission to Poland, where I would volunteer for two years. 

By the time I arrived in Poland I was 24. I immediately fell in love with Poland. It felt like home to me from the beginning and almost felt like a dream. I lived in a breathtakingly beautiful old city and got to drink coffee all day with new friends. I was so thankful to get to tell people about God in such a beautiful country. 5 months after I arrived in Poland I had my 25th birthday. On that day I am not going to lie I think I cried the whole day long. I was devastated another dream of mine had been crushed. I was now 25, and no where close to being married. But on that day I decided to stop. I decided to stop trying to plan my life and let God handle it. It finally clicked with me, that I can not control anything. I had put my life in God’s hands years ago, it was time I trusted him with it fully. 

Now I have to say it took me another year to truly give it all. It was a hard fight for me. Because I had to finally say that NO MATTER WHAT I would love God and give my life fully to him. That meant that even if I never get married and I never have kids of my own, that I will continue to give my life to God. It still is a huge struggle, but it no longer makes me depressed or takes over me. Anytime I feel sad that I am not married or feel that pain that I am not a mom, I just pray that God will be enough for me. That he will give me the strength to get through today. To not sit around doing nothing, waiting, or being sad. But living my life for Him now!

So now I look back on my last 6 years and I am not saddened that my dreams did not come true as I once thought they should. I am amazed by what God has done. In the last 6 years I have gone to 3 different continents, lived in three different countries, learned two different languages, and visited 18 different countries. I have cooked rice for kindergartners, started kids club, taught English, spoke in many different churches, managed a coffee house, and met thousands of amazing people.

I am so thankful for this life God has given me and I am thankful that “my” dreams did not stop God's plans for my life.